So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
