I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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