just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
