some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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