Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
