Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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