he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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