My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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