There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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