the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
