just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
