I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
