Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
