and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's rum buckets o'clock
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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