True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
