I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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