worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
