I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
