That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
