If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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