I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
