I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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