So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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