I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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