Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He? As in you personified your dick?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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