I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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