someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
