I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
