All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
