I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
