Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
