I cannot find my penis.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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