did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
