At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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