If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
