We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
