I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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