The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
