Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
