Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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