return my video game
That's intense
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
