I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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