You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
