She announced her abortion via fbk
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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