her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
