Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
