When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
