I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's shark week go big or go home
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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