Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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