my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It was like getting head from an anaconda
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
